It is amazing how priorities change.
It is strange looking back. In the three and a half years we dated and the nearly nine years we have spent as friends we have a sum total of like 3 pictures of us together. I have tons of pictures of the house, tons of pictures of computers and car parts but few pictures of her and even fewer of us. Now that things are all up in the air I am finding myself regretting not having more pictures of us. I treasure every moment we have together and I want to remember them all. I want to build on them a wonderful friendship, that hopefully will last a lifetime, or at least a very long time. It is amazing how things change, how before I didn’t feel like I needed reminders as every day was an adventure in it of itself. Now that things are challenging I like to look back to where we have been, good and bad to try and build on it — to better myself and strive to be the best friend I can be.
I think if I can keep the past in mind but not let it haunt me I can grow and improve myself and I can make this thing work. I still have a ton of emotions all wrapped together about all this but I know through and through that my only course of action is to be the best friend I can be right now and build that into the best thing it can be and I believe it can be wonderful. I am still driven by something deep in my heart to protect this girl, to support her and to make her proud of me. I am trying desperately to continue walking this line here, to keep the balance between my own needs and my desire to support her. I think I’m doing an O.K. job right now, I’m keeping myself safe and yet I’m finally opening myself up to Carla.
I am getting better, building this friendship is helping and giving me strength to push forward. If I can keep myself safe in this then it will last and things will be wonderous.
Tags: love, lust, gluttony