That which is going on
So, since no one I know reads this I will introduce the background before I go into what is going on. My wonderful girlfriend of 3 and 1/2 years and friend of 7 years whom I love and adore with all my heart broke up with me a little over a month ago. I am currently living at my mother’s house because I couldn’t bear to be around her right now, I’m too hurt and going through too many emotions and now I’m just trying to figure out how to say goodbye. I am of course still as in love with her as I always have been, nothing but time will change that fact, but I am faced with the hurtful reality that she cannot be in my life anymore. Maybe after some time has passed I can trust her again and the hurt will heal enough for me to be able to be her friend again, but for right now I can’t deal with it. So I’ve been trying to figure out how to say goodbye to the woman I love, whom I wanted to marry and build a life together with and I’ve been trying to figure out what went wrong. Of course like any relationship it takes two. Things were great until about 6 months ago when the anger and depression started to sweep over the house. It was almost tactile towards the end and yet no matter how mad I was at her for how she was behaving I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to her about it. There in lies my biggest problem, communication. It was easy for the years we were just friends but the moment we kissed and looked at each other the first time it just got harder and harder to talk about stuff.
That scares me, because that’s totally how my father reacted, and for those of you who read my first post of the year know that I’m terrified of becoming like my father. So much so I think that as I was seeing myself shut down in this relationship the farther it drove me into this fear that I was becoming my Dad and I think the more it caused me to shut down. One of those oroboros things. So after we broke up I bared it all and told her everything. And from that moment on I promised myself that I would try to never let my fear keep me from communicating my feelings. It is going to be hard and it is going to take alot of work, but all relationships do. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be worth it. The other thing this woke me up to is my whole fear of having a family. I know deep down inside that I do want to have a family someday. All the joy I get out of taking care of others naturally extends to the desire to have children. Of course once again this is something I am now facing because of all of this.
So all in all this is a good thing. When I first started dating her I saw before me for the first time in my life what I really wanted. I wanted her to become my wife and to build a life with her. To that end I made alot of changes in my life, I became a man and took on the responsability that I would need to make my goal come true. Now in her leaving me I can see what I did wrong and can take that to the next logical step and work on that. Someday I will have my life, a wife, children, everything I want and she will be responsible in part for my success. It doesn’t make now any easier of course, but knowing that I will be better for all of this is comforting. I wish her just as much success and hope she finds whatever it is she is looking for. I am sorry that it is not me.
I hope in time after our wounds have healed that we can be friends. I honestly don’t know if that is possable, but I truly love this girl and truly want her in my life. I wouldn’t have wanted to marry her if I didn’t love her.
So that is my story, and that is why I am back to writing on the interwebz.
(Note: Name(s) and details of specifity omitted on purpose, please don’t bothor asking)
Tags: love, lust, gluttony