Insomnia part duex
It’s 5:50 AM EST right now and I’m awake. Why the hell am I awake? I am back at my home, in a bed (after she and I broke up I had slept on the couch for the first 3 weeks or so) that is actually mine from before all of this (when we moved out, we took her bed which I had been sleeping in for the last almost two years). I am tired, but I can’t sleep. And it’s not even that my mind is really racing, or my heart is really heavy at the moment. I just can’t sleep.
She is leaving for the weekend soon and I had hoped to be asleep when she left. It appears to me that since she is leaving at 8:30 AM I may not get that wish.
It is so wierd that she makes me feel so safe. It is also wierd what us breaking up has made me realize. I am sure I appreciate our time together much more than I had in the recent past, probably because I only have a few short weeks of it left. It is going to be a big change not having her around anymore. My
safety net is going away.
I keep making jokes along the lines of ‘how will you do (x) without me?’ as we do stuff around the house and I think the reality is that I’m asking myself ‘how am I going to do anything without you?’ Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to spin completly out of control, but it’s a huge shift of reality for me and I really don’t know what it’s going to be like at all. All I can do now is follow my heart and hope that it leads me through all this.
God I wish I could sleep.
On the upside, when her and I were out earlier last night at Target we ran into one of my co-workers and he told me that his second daughter was just born!! Her and the mom apperantly are doing fine and he
was just in there to pick up some baby formula!!
I feel old.
So we realized today that I’ve known her since 1998. Amusingly I let her trim my hair the other day (after I cut like 6 inches off it) and realized that she was the first person since freshman year of high school (1996ish) that I’ve allowed to cut my hair. Amusingly she’s also the only person whom I have allowed to braid my hair.
I’m so sorry for everything. Gomennasai, gomennasai.
I never meant to hurt you, or to dissapoint you.
More exploration into Scotch
So jrrs and I went to a place called Premier Liquor in Kenmore NY, just outside of Buffalo today. He picked up a whole bunch of sake’ and I picked up 2 bottles of Scotch.
GLENROTHES 13 year Limited Release and
Laphroaig 15 year Single Malt
I am psyhced. I can’t wait to break into the super-peaty goodness.
In another scotch related bemusement, it seems that for Christmas her father brought up a bottle of Laphroaig 10 year cask strength for everyone to share. I always thought her dad had good taste!
Too bad she doesn’t like scotch.
Pictures and reviews tomorrow when I break open at least one of them.
Phbbbtttt!!
Damn girl still makes me feel better just by being there.
Thank you, Thank you.
Ma-te daiske.
Mornings suck
So more fun here as I fight fires at work left over from yesterday’s fun.
Last night was pretty okay. She and I went and grabbed some Mc Nuggets and I got to ride in her new car. She still puts me a tiny bit at ease even though I was filtering a lot of what I was saying because I didn’t want to turn the evening into a bitch at her fest again.
Then I found out this morning that Mom was going to ambush her today. Of course it turned out far worse than I expected. I feel so torn between a billion and one different places. I still love her very much and I know that I will for a long time because that is who I am. As such I am still fiercely protective of her and I’m getting frustrated and hurt when I see her getting beaten up like this. At the same time I know my family is just trying to be loyal to me and protect me and that they don’t realize that by doing this they are hurting me just as much as they are hurting her.
I think it says something about me that even after all of this I am more upset that I’m not doing a better job protecting her than I am that our relationship is over. I really really hope grandfather would be proud of me.
What a day
Today started with such promise. It was going to be a quiet day in the office followed by a vendor-provided lunch followed by a nap. How fast things went wrong. The lunch was fantastic as we were treated to some marvelous steak from a local place called Black and Blue by our EMC rep, but upon arriving back at the office half of the core network was down. Needless to say instead of getting home at 4:30ish to sneak a nap in before I have to go resign my lease and do all that other crap I just now walked in the door, 15 minutes or so to relax.
Oh life, how I love your marvelous way of keeping every day so full of excitement. Thank you so much for etching my new motto so perfectly into my head.
Down… not across[1].
At least I get to spend a little time at home before I go to sign the lease and then head off back to mom’s. Of course what do I do the moment I walk in the house, other than grab a beer of course. Yep, I cleaned up. Who ever would have thought that I’d become the kind of person who obsesses over tidying up. Also, I hacked 6 inches off my hair because it was bothering me leaving me with this 6 inch rat-tail thing sitting on my desk. Now for some reason the cat is freaking out running around the house. Probably because I just cleaned out his box and water dish.
It almost feels like home. At least I haven’t woken her up by being too loud.
[1] http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=down+NOT+across
End of year screenshots
New screen shots from my gaggle of computers.
Khadgar and Istari can be found here and Medivh (work laptop) can be found here.
Insomnia
Between these crack ass dreams and all the noise in the house I am barely sleeping these days. I don’t know which was worse, the heartache being at home or the insomnia sleeping at Mom’s house.
I keep wishing this could fast forward ahead like 4 months and be better and over all this but at the same time my Grandfather’s words keep ringing in my head… “Don’t wish your life away, someday you’ll be wishing for it back.” I hope he’s proud of me, I really looked up to that man and aspire to be like him. I think if I could do that I’d feel successful.
But man, I feel like I could sleep for 2 weeks straight… if I didn’t keep having these damn dreams and waking up wondering where I am and why I’m alone.
I can’t totally disagree…
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You Are 74% Grown Up, 26% Kid |
 Congratulations, you are definitely quite emotionally mature. Although you have your moments of moodiness, you’re usually stable and level headed. |
Christmas
It is quickly approaching christmas, she’s gone for the weekend, my family here are about to leave and I will be here all alone with my thoughts. I can’t go home yet, it is all too raw and yet I feel as if I am abandoning my family. In a strange way I felt like her and I were the parents in a rather strange family and dispite all of this I still do feel that this is more of a divorse than a simple breakup. I can see myself forgiving her now, I know she’s a good person who just made a terrible mistake. The really truely hard part, that I’m having a real hard time swallowing is that forgiveness may not be enough. And I’m terrified as we all are of time; for we are just mortal creatures and time is this thing that continues to pass us by until eventually we realize how much we let slip.
My father stopped by today to wish us a merry christmas. It was hard, especially with the number of things recently that I have been challanging myself to deal with that stem from my relationship with him. He is looking awfully thin and pale, I admit to being worried about him. As much as my relationship with him has hurt me in the past I still do not wish him any ill favours and am distressed to see him appearing unwell.
Anyway…
A merry christmas to all, may your lives be full of warmpth and people who love you. That is what truely matters in this life, so hold it dear my friends and do not let time pass you by and leave you longing in the end for that which you always had.
To those of you who are or were my friends, I love you all very truely and wish you all the best. To anyone whom may have wronged me in the past you have my forgiveness. And to those whom have wronged me in the present you have my best wishes despite it all. And finally to those whom I have wronged you have my most sincere, heartfelt apologies.
My resolution for the new year is to find the strength in myself to follow through on my promise and become a better person and a better partner. I know I have it in myself, I just need to find it.
How Many of Me – Census Search
| HowManyOfMe.com | ||
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…
The aftermath, morning 1
So I was kind of worried last night that the reason I felt better wasn’t because I sat down and talked to her, but because we spent time together. She has become such a constant in my life in the last few years that even just coming home and knowing she’s in the house has made me feel better. So of course after I started talking to her last night I started feeling alot better. Seeing her smile at my lame jokes, even seeing her cry all made me feel better. I had so much emotion pent up inside me over this that I really felt exhausted after talking to her. It’s the next morning and I still feel better about it, I’m not sure still if I can forgive her but the unrelenting anger inside me is ebbing. I kinda knew that I had to do this if we were going to ever have a chance at even friendship after this and I can feel that I was right now…. it’s the same kind of emotional exhaustion I felt the first time we slept together years ago, which think was about the same time I first told her I loved her.
Welp, at the very least I have no more secrets, she knows exactly how I feel and what the stakes are — the rest is up to time and karma to decide. I will walk my path, she will walk hers and that is all we can do. The words I left her with last night were “It has been a pleasure.” It truely was and it is only because of that fact that I am even trying to forgive her.
The talk…
I had ‘the talk’ with the ex. She got the best delivery and fullest disclosure out of me. We talked from 5:30ish to about 10:30. It went as well as can be expected. I am as pleased as I can be given the fact that we’re going to be apart for quite some time with the possability of never being even friends again.
Plus I got cheesecake!
Ma-te cheesecakie daiske!
Holidays
I usually enjoy the holiday season, but it marks the first Christmas in 3 years where I won’t be celebrating it with my now ex-girlfriend. It is so wierd to even type that much less say it. I am pretty depressed about it all and it is only getting worse as Christmas and New Years approach. It also hurts that she’ll be spending it with her new boy, perhaps that is what hurts most of all.
I pray for strength to steel myself against this trial while allowing my heart to remain soft,
for the wisdom and compassion to learn to forgive,
for the sight to see my path ahead of me,
and the will to stay true.
A great weight…
It feels as if I am finally recovering from a great weight being lifted off of me. I’ve been stressing out at work pretty harsh for the last few months because I’ve had this big EMC code upgrade project sitting on the burner. The EMC stores all of our customer’s data, some 4 Terabytes of it and all if it is irreplacable. This of course puts tremendous pressure on me. Network outages can be fixed, system crashes can be recovered from, but losing all the data that our customers have stored… that is get-fired-for-fucking-up territory. So all went well and now I am finally unwinding from all the pent up stress. In this troubled time in my life it is nice to have at least one thing go right.
In other news
… I got outbid on a 1993 Mazda RX-7. Yes I know I already own a 1985, but more == better. I am not actively looking for one, but I think I’ll probably keep my eyes open.
Ma-te daiske!
I’m not a relgious man, but I am an Irish man…
It is funny how sometimes google brings you words that make your heart a teeny bit happier…
“May you see God’s light on the path ahead
When the road you walk is dark.
May you always hear,
Even in your hour of sorrow,
The gentle singing of the lark.
When times are hard may hardness
Never turn your heart to stone,
May you always remember
when the shadows fall—
You do not walk alone.”
– http://islandireland.com/Pages/folk/sets/bless.html
That which is going on
So, since no one I know reads this I will introduce the background before I go into what is going on. My wonderful girlfriend of 3 and 1/2 years and friend of 7 years whom I love and adore with all my heart broke up with me a little over a month ago. I am currently living at my mother’s house because I couldn’t bear to be around her right now, I’m too hurt and going through too many emotions and now I’m just trying to figure out how to say goodbye. I am of course still as in love with her as I always have been, nothing but time will change that fact, but I am faced with the hurtful reality that she cannot be in my life anymore. Maybe after some time has passed I can trust her again and the hurt will heal enough for me to be able to be her friend again, but for right now I can’t deal with it. So I’ve been trying to figure out how to say goodbye to the woman I love, whom I wanted to marry and build a life together with and I’ve been trying to figure out what went wrong. Of course like any relationship it takes two. Things were great until about 6 months ago when the anger and depression started to sweep over the house. It was almost tactile towards the end and yet no matter how mad I was at her for how she was behaving I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to her about it. There in lies my biggest problem, communication. It was easy for the years we were just friends but the moment we kissed and looked at each other the first time it just got harder and harder to talk about stuff.
That scares me, because that’s totally how my father reacted, and for those of you who read my first post of the year know that I’m terrified of becoming like my father. So much so I think that as I was seeing myself shut down in this relationship the farther it drove me into this fear that I was becoming my Dad and I think the more it caused me to shut down. One of those oroboros things. So after we broke up I bared it all and told her everything. And from that moment on I promised myself that I would try to never let my fear keep me from communicating my feelings. It is going to be hard and it is going to take alot of work, but all relationships do. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be worth it. The other thing this woke me up to is my whole fear of having a family. I know deep down inside that I do want to have a family someday. All the joy I get out of taking care of others naturally extends to the desire to have children. Of course once again this is something I am now facing because of all of this.
So all in all this is a good thing. When I first started dating her I saw before me for the first time in my life what I really wanted. I wanted her to become my wife and to build a life with her. To that end I made alot of changes in my life, I became a man and took on the responsability that I would need to make my goal come true. Now in her leaving me I can see what I did wrong and can take that to the next logical step and work on that. Someday I will have my life, a wife, children, everything I want and she will be responsible in part for my success. It doesn’t make now any easier of course, but knowing that I will be better for all of this is comforting. I wish her just as much success and hope she finds whatever it is she is looking for. I am sorry that it is not me.
I hope in time after our wounds have healed that we can be friends. I honestly don’t know if that is possable, but I truly love this girl and truly want her in my life. I wouldn’t have wanted to marry her if I didn’t love her.
So that is my story, and that is why I am back to writing on the interwebz.
(Note: Name(s) and details of specifity omitted on purpose, please don’t bothor asking)